I DESERVE BETTER
I am re-discovering who I am, what I am capable of and what I want.
I am a good, considerate, caring, loving spouse and parent. I am beautiful, talented, hardworking, intelligent and brave.
I am strong enough to live without you. I stay in this relationship because I CHOOSE to, not because I have to. I love you and am strong enough to forgive you – this time. But not again. At this stage I have made the decision that if any infidelity occurs again I will remove you from my life. What you did was horrible, selfish and disgusting and I will simply not tolerate it a second time.
I believe that we are treated in a way that we allow ourselves to be treated. I need to be understood, affirmed, validated and appreciated. I deserve to be treated with respect, cherished and to have my heart protected. I am worth nothing less.
I will only accept an entirely honest marriage that is based on love and consideration for and of each other’s needs.
I can make it through this, but it will take time. I will give myself time and I will give myself permission to mourn. My life will never be the same again. Something has been taken from me that I will never regain – the knowledge that since my marriage I am the only one you have been with.
I know that surviving infidelity is possible and I will move through this. I may even one day see it as a blessing in disguise that made our marriage better, made me stronger and made me a better person. But I am not there yet, and until I am I will take the time I need to heal.
I deserve that!
THE DOUBTS SET IN…
I want to know. I NEED to know. Every little sordid detail. Where, when, how long, why, how, who knew – all of it. Even though I know it’s going to be incredibly painful, I still need to know. Some of it has been answered, but there are still too many pieces missing.
You had an affair. Not a one night stand, but a long-term, ongoing affair. But, you say you still love me. You say you’ve never loved her. I can understand that you can have sex with one person while loving someone else, I can even understand loving two people at the same time. But how can you jeopardise the relationship with the person you say you love for the sake of the occasional sordid tryst, with someone you say you don’t.
You seem to be truly sorry for causing me pain and determined to rebuild our marriage. The fact that you are willing to sever ties with her for the sake of us means you are worthy of a second chance. But how can I believe that it won’t happen again at the first sign of difficulty in our relationship?
You are trying hard to make it up to me, reassuring me of your every movement, trying to rebuild the trust, but I don’t know if I can ever trust you again. Maybe I shouldn’t. If I hadn’t trusted you to begin with I would have demanded the truth 4 years ago, questioned those unexplained absences on Saturday mornings or Friday afternoons, I would have checked the phone records long ago, I would have listened to my gut instinct. Can you live with me never trusting you again?
You are remorseful and your words and actions say you love me, which is why I am willing to work with you to fix us. Yet there is always doubt niggling at the back of my mind. I’ve never been particularly confident and now I find self-doubt a constant companion. I’m having trouble dealing with the fact that it only ended because I found out. Are you truly sorry or are you just sorry you got caught?
Our relationship doesn’t feel special anymore. You shared something very precious, our intimacy, something that belonged to us, with someone else. You managed to keep the affair separate from the rest of your life, as if one had nothing to do with the other. You lied so easily and for so long. How do I believe anything you say?
When you were together, what did you talk about? What did you say about me? Do you miss her? What did she do that I didn’t? What did she offer that I couldn’t?
How much longer till I don’t feel emotionally wrecked, paralysed by images of you in her arms, tormented by unanswered questions, devastated by what you did?
notmyheartschoice 